Monday, July 14, 2014
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
5 ways SJWs are ruining geek culture
 |
| does this LOOK like a guy that would promote rape? |
5. Number 5 on our list is an example
of SJWs eating their own. As we all know Geek culture is one of the safest spaces for women today. Everyone can be accepted for who they are. But some people aren't just happy with being equal, they want more, and they want to take fame and glory from great creators to grasp 15 minutes of fame. Case in point: A writer that put more consideration of
identity politics and cultural representation of nearly any writer in
any known medium, clashed
with other famous writers about their depictions of marginalized
people, a writer whose ideas inspired a generation to leave their
moms basement, put on Guy Fawkes masks and make a general nuisance of
themselves in broad daylight to slightly rustle the jimmies of the
powers that be as the FACE of sjw. In January Alan Moore quit all
engagements withdrawing from public life. Why? He was accused of
promoting rape and racism. stating: "It looks to me very much
like a significant section of the public, having given up on
attempting to understand the reality they are actually living in..."
A guy that claims to be a magician worships a giant snake and draws
blue penises for a living just called SOMEONE ELSE irrational
delusional freaks.
- As a kid many tried to destroy gaming. Usually old baby boomers not content with irreparably destroying our planet for good took a bottle of viagra, and turned their leathery, lagging, stroke addled brains to destroying virtual worlds as well. We preserve red, the allegations of games making us violent, sexualized criminals fell by the wayside.Games are this great memetic thing that all unite us through our meme and values. We ALL remember how we felt when Psycho Mantis told us to put the controller down and Snake gave us the nod it was ok. We remember seeing our friend stabbed in the moonlight by a pale haired man. We all remember racing to the finish line in first place before a f&cking blue shell followed by a red shell followed by a green shell then some prick drops a banana right in front of you. With a community proud, united, black, white, male, female, how could anyone destroy it? By alleging games are making us violent sex criminals and everything we've felt is wrong because feminism and fuck you.Why does Anita earn so much ire from the gaming community? Because she is evocative of another meme all gamers know. After a day of setting up system link around the house with your friends to get a 16 player deathmatch going she's the equivalent of your baby sister barging into the garage asking to play a round and throwing a big fuss when no one “lets her win”. Except this match is a multibillion dollar industry ranging all the way from set top boxes to the PC Master Race whose machines alone are a small mortgage at times. Now an industry has to be Mom and Dad trying not to show favoritism, pretending they don't secretly wonder if the person that plays a 2d side scroller or a first person shooter for the story has a little of the downs, a little of the spectrum or just a big trail mix of 'tard. A community divided by those that just want to play and the guys you know are just creepily pandering to her to try to find an opportunity to “tickle” her under the blankets again and tell you to smell his fingers when she leaves. He's not very clever about it we all know exactly what our sisters pussy smells like so every time we see a game pull up the treehouse ladder and put the “no girls allowed” sign up by giving Ivy tits so big an entirely new type of physics had to be developed we cheer and fold our arms at any game featuring a girl that wasn't Grandfathered in like Chun Li. On the other side you have people that don't play games scrutinizing developers honest and earnest attempts at writing females despite never meeting one themselves.
2. Now one thing everyone in this list has in common: If you don't entirely agree with them you are worse than a rapist. Yup, the feminists even found a way to stick their claws into atheism. With so called "atheism plus", all hope that one day the human race would stop believing in unfounded unscientific claims made by lunatics for power and profit to one day explore the cosmos went right out the fucking window so hard I just gave up, got baptized and joined the IRA because at least they have good songs. What feminism has to do with your dangly(or nondangly) bits is beyond me but when theres money to be had they are like sharks in the water.
1. 4chan
WE DID IT /V/ FUCK SAMANTHA ALLEN FUCKING FAGGOT
Friday, February 28, 2014
No homo gaming post 1.
Who is this man and why does he talk like a fag? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B90frJAHoB8
Fuck this shit, if you haven't played this you should or your retarded but not for the reasons this guy is yammering about in between gargling his boyfriends morning ejaculations. Shits all fucked up, theres zombie fungus everywhere and its fucked everyones shit to hell. You play as Beardy motherfucker. Because of reasons Beardy motherfucker has to take this little girl named Garbage across the country of dumb zombie bullshit. So you go out and fuck up everything for everybody but not on some dumb bullshit. You gotta sneak up on zombies and rape gangs because otherwise they'll fuck your shit up unless your a scrublord playing on normal. Theres weapons guns, pipes, arrows, and shit but never too many, people get their shit pushed in in all kinds of fucked up ways and the dlc has chicks dyking out. 10/10
I'm going to reclaim this blog for cool gaming shit and not gay shit. Too much gay shit in games nowadays. No offense to anyones life choices but not everyone is into faggot bullshit.
Fuck this shit, if you haven't played this you should or your retarded but not for the reasons this guy is yammering about in between gargling his boyfriends morning ejaculations. Shits all fucked up, theres zombie fungus everywhere and its fucked everyones shit to hell. You play as Beardy motherfucker. Because of reasons Beardy motherfucker has to take this little girl named Garbage across the country of dumb zombie bullshit. So you go out and fuck up everything for everybody but not on some dumb bullshit. You gotta sneak up on zombies and rape gangs because otherwise they'll fuck your shit up unless your a scrublord playing on normal. Theres weapons guns, pipes, arrows, and shit but never too many, people get their shit pushed in in all kinds of fucked up ways and the dlc has chicks dyking out. 10/10
I'm going to reclaim this blog for cool gaming shit and not gay shit. Too much gay shit in games nowadays. No offense to anyones life choices but not everyone is into faggot bullshit.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Monday, December 7, 2009
Writing craptent or writing for associated content
Hi Everyone I am a spammer. No wait I'm a writer for the worlds worst website: Associated Content. lol no I don't want anyone to think I take those gigs seriously rofl. I'm basically a paid spammer/troll.
I am writing you from my blog however to educate certain bloggers on the difference between being an internet writer and a real writer. Internet writing is gay pure and simple. I'll put my neck out right now and say the internet is fagtastic. You get paid shit upfront and most of what I make comes from page views...which means in order to make money a title has to look like:
Tiger Woods tittyfucking Lindsey Lohan TMZ in Paris Hiltons Oprah
See that way all the search engines pick it up and people come read. That's not the only fagtabulous part of writing for the interbutz. I have to do that retarded bullshit several times a day! With all those creative headlines you must wonder when I have time to do my own research! That's an easy answer I Don't!!! Associated Content articles are just slightly rewritten versions of other articles!
Really as far as shit content goes on the internet associated content is ten notches lower than reading encyclopedia dramatica for news!
It's not all bad though writing for AC allows me to not have to work while I write good stuff under my real name. It keeps the lights on and the bills paid so I won't insult it that much aside from the fact that we poison the internet and we are sorry.
I recently learned AOL(ahole...lol) is going to try out this faggy system and I'd like to beg them and everyone thinking about it or currently using it to stop. You never get GOOD writers with this system and it just makes good writers into shit writers making up shit to get niggerfaggots to read their fucking shit so they'll get paid.
Every piece I've written at Associated Content is shit and a waste of internetz. I have good shit but I won't submit it to those ass clowns! If you pay peanuts you get monkeys and if you promise some peanuts now and more later you get monkeys that don't give a baby fuck.
This is a retarded model for news. I would like a site where if I researched something interesting I'd get paid for my fucking work upfront. None of this fucking Time/NBC bullshit where they pay you so long after you fucking forget you wrote shit for them! None of this keyword spamming shit! I want to bring honest good content to the internet but if no body sponsors it how can I afford to do it???
Newspapers are fucking going under laying writers the fuck off and people are going to rely on the internet! People do rely on the internet they are fucktards but they do! Lets not clutter it with worthless shit!
I just had to get that out of my system thanks goodbye!
This is the future of news if you don't stop this faggot bullshit
I am writing you from my blog however to educate certain bloggers on the difference between being an internet writer and a real writer. Internet writing is gay pure and simple. I'll put my neck out right now and say the internet is fagtastic. You get paid shit upfront and most of what I make comes from page views...which means in order to make money a title has to look like:
Tiger Woods tittyfucking Lindsey Lohan TMZ in Paris Hiltons Oprah
See that way all the search engines pick it up and people come read. That's not the only fagtabulous part of writing for the interbutz. I have to do that retarded bullshit several times a day! With all those creative headlines you must wonder when I have time to do my own research! That's an easy answer I Don't!!! Associated Content articles are just slightly rewritten versions of other articles!
Really as far as shit content goes on the internet associated content is ten notches lower than reading encyclopedia dramatica for news!
It's not all bad though writing for AC allows me to not have to work while I write good stuff under my real name. It keeps the lights on and the bills paid so I won't insult it that much aside from the fact that we poison the internet and we are sorry.
I recently learned AOL(ahole...lol) is going to try out this faggy system and I'd like to beg them and everyone thinking about it or currently using it to stop. You never get GOOD writers with this system and it just makes good writers into shit writers making up shit to get niggerfaggots to read their fucking shit so they'll get paid.
Every piece I've written at Associated Content is shit and a waste of internetz. I have good shit but I won't submit it to those ass clowns! If you pay peanuts you get monkeys and if you promise some peanuts now and more later you get monkeys that don't give a baby fuck.
This is a retarded model for news. I would like a site where if I researched something interesting I'd get paid for my fucking work upfront. None of this fucking Time/NBC bullshit where they pay you so long after you fucking forget you wrote shit for them! None of this keyword spamming shit! I want to bring honest good content to the internet but if no body sponsors it how can I afford to do it???
Newspapers are fucking going under laying writers the fuck off and people are going to rely on the internet! People do rely on the internet they are fucktards but they do! Lets not clutter it with worthless shit!
I just had to get that out of my system thanks goodbye!
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sin City Hostel Review
Sin City hostel isn't really even a true hostel. It's a dirty, run down old hotel in a dangerous, cracked out part of the world famous city of Las Vegas. Even for budget travel this hostel is badly managed and if visiting Vegas I'd recommend looking for some of the deals on sites such as orbitz for a hotel before booking here. I've found much better hotels at competitive prices.
Those who read into my hostel reviews might know I'm a bit of a party animal. I'm hardly in the hostel itself so the only things I ever ask out of any hostel I stay in are:
*
a bed
*
a shower/place to pee, poop and puke can be a toilet, can be a reasonably sized hole aways from the shower and bed
*
a safe place to keep my stuff
Everything after that I consider bonuses. However the Sin City Hostel manages to fail at these basic points. Let's start with the bed shall we. This monstrosity consists of a foam mattress wrapped in plastic. It squeaks, squawks, and farts just like your grandmothers old couch and once you get a room of people on these instruments you have a full concerto of people getting poor sleep. The first set of sheets I received were dirt and stained. They were replaced but watch out
The shower is hit or miss. Some people claim to have received warm water, I never did. Prepare to flush multiple times using the toilet, if it doesn't overflow somehow.
I usually try not to hold hostels accountable for the part of town they are located in. You can't expect to be located in the diamond district at $20 a night. The neighborhood Sin City is located in is ridiculous though. It's a stereotypical American ghetto just like you've seen in the movies. Sure it's a straight bus ride to the strip but I kid you not during my stay some ingenious criminals cut and strip a live power line for the copper.
I personally left this place with mysterious bites, acne, and a cold. I've heard similar health complaints from others so I'd highly urge you to STAY AWAY from the Sin.
Those who read into my hostel reviews might know I'm a bit of a party animal. I'm hardly in the hostel itself so the only things I ever ask out of any hostel I stay in are:
*
a bed
*
a shower/place to pee, poop and puke can be a toilet, can be a reasonably sized hole aways from the shower and bed
*
a safe place to keep my stuff
Everything after that I consider bonuses. However the Sin City Hostel manages to fail at these basic points. Let's start with the bed shall we. This monstrosity consists of a foam mattress wrapped in plastic. It squeaks, squawks, and farts just like your grandmothers old couch and once you get a room of people on these instruments you have a full concerto of people getting poor sleep. The first set of sheets I received were dirt and stained. They were replaced but watch out
The shower is hit or miss. Some people claim to have received warm water, I never did. Prepare to flush multiple times using the toilet, if it doesn't overflow somehow.
I usually try not to hold hostels accountable for the part of town they are located in. You can't expect to be located in the diamond district at $20 a night. The neighborhood Sin City is located in is ridiculous though. It's a stereotypical American ghetto just like you've seen in the movies. Sure it's a straight bus ride to the strip but I kid you not during my stay some ingenious criminals cut and strip a live power line for the copper.
I personally left this place with mysterious bites, acne, and a cold. I've heard similar health complaints from others so I'd highly urge you to STAY AWAY from the Sin.
Five of the most retarded internet videos
Camera's change the way people act. Ordinary, moral human beings can stand by and watch tragedies happen from behind a camera whereas without one they may help. People will take advantage of others for 15 minutes of fame. In today's age more and more youth have access to camera's and are doing unbelievable things in the name of entertainment which is why I bring you:
Five retarded internet video's uploaded by teenagers
1.
Watch this tv:
A group of eight Somali teenagers from the Twin Cities area decide to create a video called "Watch This T.V." that features them running up to random strangers and:
- Pushing over an old guy on a bike and having his head hit the pavement.
- Pushing some little kid down a hill.
- Tackling people from behind on the sidewalk.
- Ambushing bikers on the Greenway.
- Jumping out at people on walks and punching them.
They then uploaded the video to youtube... complete with a tough guy style intro featuring their real names! Cops have easily tracked down and arrested six of them already.
Watching the video just makes me enraged that people enjoy doing this to random people for fun. Watching the old guy on the bike get knocked over is particularly tough.
The video and the news story are here:
http://tinyurl.com/ydtzct6
If it's any consolation, Somalia is inevitably going to get it's rear end invaded by the African Union once their patience runs thin. If there's one thing that unites most of sub-Saharan Africa aside from their hatred of Europeans and Arabs, it's their hatred of Somalis.
1.
Five black males repetitively hump a chair/wall/floor/mirror/air
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUa6pcMOLEM
The title basically sums it up here five black teens hump furniture. None of them found it the least homoerotic. I'd like to let all the lucky ladies reading this article know these guys are single!
2.
Teens give a baby ecstasy
http://tech.blorge.com/Structure:%20/2007/07/10/teens-under-investigation-for-youtube-toddler-ecstasy-video/
In this video some older teens poke, prod and harass a baby aboard a moving car while they and the baby are under the influence of the drug ecstasy. What makes this video disgusting is the baby isn't even in a car seat!
3.
Special poetry slam- life in drag
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYpaVQBzSU8
Before you get angry at me for posting this I'd like to explain. I nor anyone associated with this site condone or would refrain from punching anyone who makes fun of the differently abled. However one can tell a great deal about the age we live in knowing that the special poetry slam videos were stolen from a private event and uploaded for the sick pleasure of people like Opie and Anthony to make remixes, edits and general mockery of these brave people. Read the comments if you dare.
4.
Any Parody of "I'm on a boat" by the lonely Island
Pound this into your thick skulls, I'm on a boat is a parody. Any further parody is not only obnoxious, unnecessary and practically infringement but it's also retarded! It's like listening to a Weird Al Yankovic album and making a parody of "Amish Paradise". Just don't do it. If you've made one of these parodies congratulations you are the most retarded person on the internet!
Five retarded internet video's uploaded by teenagers
1.
Watch this tv:
A group of eight Somali teenagers from the Twin Cities area decide to create a video called "Watch This T.V." that features them running up to random strangers and:
- Pushing over an old guy on a bike and having his head hit the pavement.
- Pushing some little kid down a hill.
- Tackling people from behind on the sidewalk.
- Ambushing bikers on the Greenway.
- Jumping out at people on walks and punching them.
They then uploaded the video to youtube... complete with a tough guy style intro featuring their real names! Cops have easily tracked down and arrested six of them already.
Watching the video just makes me enraged that people enjoy doing this to random people for fun. Watching the old guy on the bike get knocked over is particularly tough.
The video and the news story are here:
http://tinyurl.com/ydtzct6
If it's any consolation, Somalia is inevitably going to get it's rear end invaded by the African Union once their patience runs thin. If there's one thing that unites most of sub-Saharan Africa aside from their hatred of Europeans and Arabs, it's their hatred of Somalis.
1.
Five black males repetitively hump a chair/wall/floor/mirror/air
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUa6pcMOLEM
The title basically sums it up here five black teens hump furniture. None of them found it the least homoerotic. I'd like to let all the lucky ladies reading this article know these guys are single!
2.
Teens give a baby ecstasy
http://tech.blorge.com/Structure:%20/2007/07/10/teens-under-investigation-for-youtube-toddler-ecstasy-video/
In this video some older teens poke, prod and harass a baby aboard a moving car while they and the baby are under the influence of the drug ecstasy. What makes this video disgusting is the baby isn't even in a car seat!
3.
Special poetry slam- life in drag
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYpaVQBzSU8
Before you get angry at me for posting this I'd like to explain. I nor anyone associated with this site condone or would refrain from punching anyone who makes fun of the differently abled. However one can tell a great deal about the age we live in knowing that the special poetry slam videos were stolen from a private event and uploaded for the sick pleasure of people like Opie and Anthony to make remixes, edits and general mockery of these brave people. Read the comments if you dare.
4.
Any Parody of "I'm on a boat" by the lonely Island
Pound this into your thick skulls, I'm on a boat is a parody. Any further parody is not only obnoxious, unnecessary and practically infringement but it's also retarded! It's like listening to a Weird Al Yankovic album and making a parody of "Amish Paradise". Just don't do it. If you've made one of these parodies congratulations you are the most retarded person on the internet!
Mass: we pray a video game about going to church
When the Nintendo Wii was released I could be quoted as saying it was "the most retarded thing I've seen since the California High School exit exam". The more I've seen of it and every product released by Nintendo and 3rd parties have done more and more to seal that quote.
Now a 3rd party studio is releasing Mass: we Pray. I got a small headache typing that. However there may be some people reading this who are authentically interested in buying a prayer game for the family. For those people I'll begin this preview by saying God isn't real. So there. I was right about the Wii being a shitbox so I'd certainly know a thing or two about what comprises our universe. Why don't you just do what you do best and shut up and listen to what your told k?
In Mass: We Pray (cringe) you, do church stuff...With your wii controller...yeah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRMiRFJzIKA&feature=player_embedded
See I'm not even making this up for once! Like a lot of my game reviews I havn't actually bothered to purchase or play this game as writing about them doesn't actually pay enough for me to buy them. However I saw that trailer which is actually quite more than what I usually go on. Afterall I didn't even see the box for Left 4 dead until two months after I did that review and I was spot on! I might be a little drunk but I'm sure I can review Mass: We Pray just fine!
//professional mode
Mass: We Pray is a multiplayer game availiable for the nintendo wii developed by prayer works interactive. A first of it's kind it's a Church, prayer, and ceremony simulator. Imagine Guitar Hero however instead of rockin out to your favorite jams your worshiping your Lord with up to three friends!
As innovative as this game is being the first of it's kind and despite all the polish, detail, research, animation, special effects, hard work, and bronzecasting that went into this game there are glaring points that will keep you from wanting to own this game.
The wiimote is unresponsive which can turn any of the events which involve flame such as lighting candles into a five alarm fire or result in you wacking Grandma in the eye with the collection plate(I did this both in real life and in the game).
Also the experience overall isn't very deep as much as a series of gimicky minigames that won't take more than an hour to complete. Some people might want to keep coming back to mass over and over but most are going to move on and perhaps enjoy something deeper like Madden: All Play.
Actually this whole thing is a shallow advertisement for Dante's Inferno by EA games. I had too much fun with this. I actually am drunk and I would like a cheque from EA for mentioning them. Looking forward to the game. Probably won't be able to afford it but I will certainly review it well!
Now a 3rd party studio is releasing Mass: we Pray. I got a small headache typing that. However there may be some people reading this who are authentically interested in buying a prayer game for the family. For those people I'll begin this preview by saying God isn't real. So there. I was right about the Wii being a shitbox so I'd certainly know a thing or two about what comprises our universe. Why don't you just do what you do best and shut up and listen to what your told k?
In Mass: We Pray (cringe) you, do church stuff...With your wii controller...yeah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRMiRFJzIKA&feature=player_embedded
See I'm not even making this up for once! Like a lot of my game reviews I havn't actually bothered to purchase or play this game as writing about them doesn't actually pay enough for me to buy them. However I saw that trailer which is actually quite more than what I usually go on. Afterall I didn't even see the box for Left 4 dead until two months after I did that review and I was spot on! I might be a little drunk but I'm sure I can review Mass: We Pray just fine!
//professional mode
Mass: We Pray is a multiplayer game availiable for the nintendo wii developed by prayer works interactive. A first of it's kind it's a Church, prayer, and ceremony simulator. Imagine Guitar Hero however instead of rockin out to your favorite jams your worshiping your Lord with up to three friends!
As innovative as this game is being the first of it's kind and despite all the polish, detail, research, animation, special effects, hard work, and bronzecasting that went into this game there are glaring points that will keep you from wanting to own this game.
The wiimote is unresponsive which can turn any of the events which involve flame such as lighting candles into a five alarm fire or result in you wacking Grandma in the eye with the collection plate(I did this both in real life and in the game).
Also the experience overall isn't very deep as much as a series of gimicky minigames that won't take more than an hour to complete. Some people might want to keep coming back to mass over and over but most are going to move on and perhaps enjoy something deeper like Madden: All Play.
Actually this whole thing is a shallow advertisement for Dante's Inferno by EA games. I had too much fun with this. I actually am drunk and I would like a cheque from EA for mentioning them. Looking forward to the game. Probably won't be able to afford it but I will certainly review it well!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Dear Next girl I fuck
Dear next girl I fuck
I'll bring a bottle of patron
I want to smoke a blunt or two
I want to not be sure
whether I'm getting any or not
but then start making out
and be pretty damned sure
I want to rub your ass
while I kiss your neck
I want to rub my hand
along the little hairs on your arm
and feel you get goosebumps
I want to ignore
what's on your itunes
It's not your fault
you like ben folds five
I want to hear you say
that you don't think guys
know how to treat your tits
and prove you wrong
I want it to be
totally consensual
and safe
because I don't want babies
and I don't want felonies
I absolutely DO NOT
want to FINISH during the
NANANANANANANA
part of "hey jude"
oh my god
so awkward and weird
dear last girl I fucked
I never want to see you again
ever
I'll bring a bottle of patron
I want to smoke a blunt or two
I want to not be sure
whether I'm getting any or not
but then start making out
and be pretty damned sure
I want to rub your ass
while I kiss your neck
I want to rub my hand
along the little hairs on your arm
and feel you get goosebumps
I want to ignore
what's on your itunes
It's not your fault
you like ben folds five
I want to hear you say
that you don't think guys
know how to treat your tits
and prove you wrong
I want it to be
totally consensual
and safe
because I don't want babies
and I don't want felonies
I absolutely DO NOT
want to FINISH during the
NANANANANANANA
part of "hey jude"
oh my god
so awkward and weird
dear last girl I fucked
I never want to see you again
ever
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
What Americunts Call Cars
Below is a list of the basic criteria of what makes a car American:
- An engine so inefficient it takes 5.7 liters to produce 290 horsepower, like the Camaro Z28.
- A clandestine interior plastered with tan leather and wood paneling covered with so much lacquer that the act of lighting a cigarette inside would result in an immediate explosion.
- A V8 iron block engine with push rod valves, cuz that's how the future rolls! Oh, and no variable valve timing, either, cuz that's a load of bullshit and nothing is more efficient than a 7 liter engine that generates 120 horsepower at 900 RPM.
- At least 60 cupholders, so you can keep all of your drinks once you come back from a trip to McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Sonic, TGI Friday's, Papa John's, Pizza Hut, Denny's, Olive Garden, Dominoes, Long John Silvers, KFC, and Golden Corral.
- Paper thin rubber tires covering enormous, 20 inch wheels now known colloquially as "dubs."
- An overall bodylength as long as Chile.
- It must weigh at least 4000 lbs and have a suspension that feels like Jello.
- It must be able to carry at least 12 people but be owned by someone who lives alone.
- It must be less fuel efficient than NASA's current shuttle technology.
- It can only go in a straight line at 200 mph. Anything else would be too complicated.
- Must compensate for your penis, the bigger the car the more your penis is inverted into a mangina
List of Americunt cars that look or perform like shit:
- Ford Mustang - srsly? How can you have the audacity to have a trim level called "GT" when nothing you guys build weighs less than 3500 lbs and runs on dead fetuses?
- Dodge Viper - You needed an 8 liter V10 engine to lose the Le Mans? Fail.
Review: left 4 dead: game of the year edition
Left 4 dead is an online first person shooter created and published by Valve available for Xbox 360 (if you're a masochist who wants achy fingers, and to shovel out $10 bucks USD for every freely available patch over Xbox Live) and PC (which has to run on the steam client so basically it's like deciding whether you want to be stabbed in right or left testicle).
Let's start with the high points of Left 4 dead shall we. We, as the gaming community will never have to dread a movie based on left 4 dead as it's already been made several times over. That includes the excess marketing and hype, trailers that bend and manipulate footage into what they think you want to see, and a sequel less than a year later that shows little to no inspiration, ingenuity, improvement or innovation over the original but then again that's what the trailers are for right?
That's exactly what Left 4 Dead is. In theory (or carefully selected trailers) it is a great game, in actual execution however it's two and a half hours (yes that's the entire game length I've played it several times, it's pathetically short) of thoughtless shooting at powerless opponents unless the A.I. decides to throw the slightly bigger yet still powerless opponent at you(the Tank). Once you get good enough doing this with four of your friends you can play versus where another team can play infected. I'll explain what it's like playing the most impotent characters in the worst game in the world later in this review.
There's a lot of myths and rumors surrounding this game and I would like to clear a lot of them up right now:
The level paths are always the same and this reviewer felt replaying the game for this review was work and tried to document any differences I found but all they amounted to were health packs and ammunition being in a few different places. Oh and more "Tanks" (The big impotent opponent I mentioned earlier. You run in circles and shoot it until it dies. Maybe set it on fire too but it's mostly harmless and on expert when they appear on every stage they feel more like a chore.)
Aside from that the animations are stiff, even prone to glitches, the graphics are laughably inferior to other games currently on the market being a generation behind as well as an insult to the engine it's running on, and it's going to take a good hour to get this film started with friends due to it's despicable lobbies. Even then, after you all get in the same lobby and pick the same team you might not wind up on the same team and have to start anew.
Right, now that the myths concerning this game are out of the way (and it's sequel which if this site allowed me to and I were as openly lethargic as Valve I'd just reuse this like they reuse old assets from other games). I can discuss the only mode anyone who owns this game more than a week is going to be playing(please don't buy this game or the sequel, I just wanted to throw that in) Versus. In versus mode you'll be playing in two teams of four. One team of survivors trying to escape the zombies, and another team trying to stop the survivors from escaping.
You can play as four special zombies, the hunter who has a pounce attack which allows him to jump from a distance and pin a survivor going damage over time, the Smoker who snatches survivors with his tongue doing damage over time and dragging them towards him, the boomer who vomits on survivors to attract zombies and the Tank who can throw rocks or punch the survivors (Protip: Don't do that, they'll set you on fire and kill you just throw rocks from a distance blocking their path).
This isn't nearly as entertaining as it sounds and whether you are winning or losing it's unsatisfactory since there's not really a sense of victory in watching a helpless survivor get killed while you sip coffee, or running and gunning (and sitting in corners) your way to victory without thinking. I just realized I forgot to mention the Witch you can't play as the Witch so just make sure you either have everyone shoot it until it dies or shoot it in the head. That's about it. Even in this mode everyone ends up doing the same things over and over again. The infected controls are pretty bad as they were an afterthought so there is some randomization in whether your one-hit-kill-move will work this time.
This isn't a problem with the game itself so much as the community, however I feel this reflects strongly on the game and the experience. Nobody finishes playing this game online. I've played games where by the final level I'm the only player left and up to twenty players have come and gone. They call it rage quitting, however people leave when winning as well. I believe it's out of boredom. People also love killing themselves and other teammates so watch out for that. It really reflects on how people feel about playing this game, sadly there are no refunds through Steam.
There's also survival mode where you see how long you can stand in one place and kill zombies before dying presumably of boredom. Overall Left 4 Dead is a one trick pony and it doesn't do that trick very well. Considering there are multitudes of multiplayer and horror games with more depth and companies seeing all the recognition this is getting for combining the two it shouldn't be very long before this game is irrelevant. In fact if Capcom added two more players to Resident Evil 5
I give this game a score of 3 out of 10 for running smoothly sometime and overall concept.
Personally I consider it the worst triple A title ever produced.
Left 4 Dead is rated M but it's not like anyone cares about video game ratings anyways.
Let's start with the high points of Left 4 dead shall we. We, as the gaming community will never have to dread a movie based on left 4 dead as it's already been made several times over. That includes the excess marketing and hype, trailers that bend and manipulate footage into what they think you want to see, and a sequel less than a year later that shows little to no inspiration, ingenuity, improvement or innovation over the original but then again that's what the trailers are for right?
That's exactly what Left 4 Dead is. In theory (or carefully selected trailers) it is a great game, in actual execution however it's two and a half hours (yes that's the entire game length I've played it several times, it's pathetically short) of thoughtless shooting at powerless opponents unless the A.I. decides to throw the slightly bigger yet still powerless opponent at you(the Tank). Once you get good enough doing this with four of your friends you can play versus where another team can play infected. I'll explain what it's like playing the most impotent characters in the worst game in the world later in this review.
There's a lot of myths and rumors surrounding this game and I would like to clear a lot of them up right now:
- Replayability: none, does not exist or at least not any replayable to the hundreds of superior shooters on the market. There's quake 3 mods that have a higher replay value than left 4 dead. The cause of the replay myth is the hype behind this game and what they call "The Director". In theory "The Director" would change the quantity, positioning and intelligence of enemies in respect to current health, ammunition, play style and selected difficulty level. This is all bollocks and the same zombies run at the same directions in the same numbers with the only difference being on higher difficulties they do more damage.
The level paths are always the same and this reviewer felt replaying the game for this review was work and tried to document any differences I found but all they amounted to were health packs and ammunition being in a few different places. Oh and more "Tanks" (The big impotent opponent I mentioned earlier. You run in circles and shoot it until it dies. Maybe set it on fire too but it's mostly harmless and on expert when they appear on every stage they feel more like a chore.)
- This game is like playing a horror film: I can't even think of a witty analogy to describe how pathetically inaccurate this is. If there were a horror movie made were the protagonists breezed through obstacles giggling and laughing at every failure the villains made, with no character development, dialogue consisting of nothing but one liners, and every scene could be interchanged without any noticeable effect on the production as a whole with four endings yet no back story as to why there are zombies(Ok I'm sorry Romero but at least you had social commentary to back up your artistic decision), who the characters are, how they met, or how they got access to high power firearms so quickly (even though there are only six weapons in the game and two types of grenades which is an anemic selection) I'd say that was a terrible film and if you watch those types of films shame on you.
Aside from that the animations are stiff, even prone to glitches, the graphics are laughably inferior to other games currently on the market being a generation behind as well as an insult to the engine it's running on, and it's going to take a good hour to get this film started with friends due to it's despicable lobbies. Even then, after you all get in the same lobby and pick the same team you might not wind up on the same team and have to start anew.
Right, now that the myths concerning this game are out of the way (and it's sequel which if this site allowed me to and I were as openly lethargic as Valve I'd just reuse this like they reuse old assets from other games). I can discuss the only mode anyone who owns this game more than a week is going to be playing(please don't buy this game or the sequel, I just wanted to throw that in) Versus. In versus mode you'll be playing in two teams of four. One team of survivors trying to escape the zombies, and another team trying to stop the survivors from escaping.
You can play as four special zombies, the hunter who has a pounce attack which allows him to jump from a distance and pin a survivor going damage over time, the Smoker who snatches survivors with his tongue doing damage over time and dragging them towards him, the boomer who vomits on survivors to attract zombies and the Tank who can throw rocks or punch the survivors (Protip: Don't do that, they'll set you on fire and kill you just throw rocks from a distance blocking their path).
This isn't nearly as entertaining as it sounds and whether you are winning or losing it's unsatisfactory since there's not really a sense of victory in watching a helpless survivor get killed while you sip coffee, or running and gunning (and sitting in corners) your way to victory without thinking. I just realized I forgot to mention the Witch you can't play as the Witch so just make sure you either have everyone shoot it until it dies or shoot it in the head. That's about it. Even in this mode everyone ends up doing the same things over and over again. The infected controls are pretty bad as they were an afterthought so there is some randomization in whether your one-hit-kill-move will work this time.
This isn't a problem with the game itself so much as the community, however I feel this reflects strongly on the game and the experience. Nobody finishes playing this game online. I've played games where by the final level I'm the only player left and up to twenty players have come and gone. They call it rage quitting, however people leave when winning as well. I believe it's out of boredom. People also love killing themselves and other teammates so watch out for that. It really reflects on how people feel about playing this game, sadly there are no refunds through Steam.
There's also survival mode where you see how long you can stand in one place and kill zombies before dying presumably of boredom. Overall Left 4 Dead is a one trick pony and it doesn't do that trick very well. Considering there are multitudes of multiplayer and horror games with more depth and companies seeing all the recognition this is getting for combining the two it shouldn't be very long before this game is irrelevant. In fact if Capcom added two more players to Resident Evil 5
I give this game a score of 3 out of 10 for running smoothly sometime and overall concept.
Personally I consider it the worst triple A title ever produced.
Left 4 Dead is rated M but it's not like anyone cares about video game ratings anyways.
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